I know she's there. She's always there. Staring at me. Always staring at me. Why doesn't it bother me? I don't know. I wish I knew. How did it get like this? Oh yeah. I slapped her and told her not to come near me. That surprised me. The kiss and my own reaction to it. Why did she kiss me? Why. It was my first kiss. Hers too. I should know. She told me so herself. Only she said that she would only give her first to the one she truly loves. So why me? Why would she love me? After all the things I put her through. She always forgave me. It surprised me when she did the first time. I thought she wouldn't talk to me after that. But no, she forgave me. Me who pushed her and called her names in front of the other kids just so I could seem cool like them. It made me feel sick to my stomach to do that to her. And now that she's not coming near me why do I feel so alone among my friends? Why do I want to just go to her and be held my her? I've known her for so long. Maybe it's because I've known her most of my life that it seems empty without her there. Yeah that has to be it. I just need something to fill in that hole that was her into it. That's why I'm dating the football star. But even that's not filling in the hole. It's just making the hole bigger. I turn around to look at her. Still sitting there. Still staring at me. I have to turn around. Her eyes look so empty and lifeless. Was it always like that? No. I remember her eyes being so alive whenever she laughs. Or just whenever I'm near. Her eyes would just light up so bright they could have light up the night sky.
Just seeing her like this makes me sick. I can't look at her when she's like this. I feel so lonely. I don't know why but I turn around again. She looks surprised. I'm surprised myself but I don't show it. I learned how to show what I'm not feeling since the kiss. Just thinking about how I reacted makes me sad. I turn around again. I don't want her to see me sad. I know that she can tell what I'm feeling. She could always tell. Even when I didn't want her to. Other time I liked that she and only she can tell. But not right now. I don't want her to see me sad. Why should I feel sad though? I have my friends and my boyfriend here with me right now. But I want to be with her right now. I want to talk to her like we use to. I want everything to be like they were before. But they can't. I can't get the kiss out of my head. It felt good. Why should it feel good? She always made me feel happy. No matter what. Maybe that's it.
For a third time I find myself turning to her. I want to feel happy again. I don't want to feel sad and for her to seem so lifeless. I ignore my boyfriend and friends. They weren't my real friends anyways. I find my self walking to her. I don't know why but my eyes sting. And my cheeks are wet. She's still sitting there staring at me walking up to her. I'm standing in front of her now. What should I do? What should I say? I hold my hand out to her. I don't know why but when I opened my mouth I said "Come back to me." It felt so right to say that. She takes my hand without a word. I pull her up and we start walking away. I don't turn around to see my boyfriend or my friends that are standing there watching us.
There. I see it. Some life coming back into her eyes. I feel like some of the weight on my shoulders ease off. I don't know how I feel but I don't mind finding out with her by my side.
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