Awakening
Chapter Four: Emotional Chaos
Not ten seconds would pass before my newfound determination would be put to the test. It was nobody's fault but my own. I should have paid more attention to the warnings the book had given me. Perhaps it was an adequate way to end things, one final conflict against the monster that threatened to tear me apart. Unfortunately, in my case the monster was much more literal than the inner demons most people experience in their lifetimes. This is the path I have chosen though and the mistakes I have made are a part of that choice no matter how much I wish I didn't carry them with me.
After all, denying the devil once is foolish. Denying the devil twice... is suicide...
-
Corruption...
-
-Raven-
Pain. Pain like I'd never experienced even after all of the battles I'd fought tore through my body the instant I stepped from the darkness onto the roof of the tower. A choked scream died on my lips as I fell to my knees, a dizzying wave of nausea hitting me just seconds before a disgustingly thick stream of blood began pouring from my lips in a seemingly endless torrent of sticky red liquid. The searing heat in my bones increased several times over and my whole body seemed to go stiff as my limbs pulled themselves in opposite directions as if to tear themselves from their own sockets. The blood finally ceased its release and allowed me to scream as a ripple of loud pops echoed from within my flesh as bones began to realign themselves. Half mad fear consumed me as I flung my consciousness outward in a desperate attempt to call for help, feeling myself brush against the one mind that could provide any sort of comfort in this nightmare.
“Koriand'r...”
“Raven! I must tell you that I...” her mental voice trailed off as my pitiful reserve of strength gave out and I was thrust back into my tortured body. I arrived back just in time to feel my skull split apart and stretch, a breathless scream echoing in my chest as I clutched at the sides of my head. Something about the motion felt so very wrong but I had no time to wonder as a new surge of pain shot up through my arms and into my hands which fell from my now elongated cranium to hang limply at my sides. A ripple of dark energy spread out from my body like an overflowing pool, congealing around any structure in its path and crushing it under enormous pressure. With a sickening groan from my churning stomach I used what little willpower I had left to pull the darkness back into me in hopes of lessening the damage done.
With that last feeble surge of effort my body gave out, falling with a wet slap onto the pool of blood I had vomited. A trickle of fear crawled through what was left of my conscious mind as the blood began to ooze up the sides of my body, enveloping me in a sort of macabre cocoon. Much to my surprise, a welcome flood of cool relief seemed to ease through my strained system as the blood shell constricted around me, the pressure seeming to force the expelled liquid back into my flesh. For an instant the world around me became perfectly clear and focused... before I descended into darkness...
-
Remembrance...
-
-Jinx-
Jinx let out a long sigh and smiled a shallow smile at her reflection in the mirror as she let her hair down from its usual upturned position. She stood and undressed in preparation for the bath she had drawn but paused upon catching sight of herself once more. With a bit of a smile tugging at the corners of her lips she turned sideways and motioned a massively swollen belly in front of her. An image from the vision she had shared with Raven began dancing in the back of her mind as she brought up her fingers to brush them across her lips.
“At least I know I'd be a super cute preggo,” she giggled. Turning away from the mirror, she approached the small bathtub and slowly eased herself into the steaming water. She leaned her head back over the rim and mindlessly counted the cracks in the ceiling, letting her thoughts drift as they pleased. It wasn't long before they settled onto their favorite subject as of late... Raven.
–
“Why do you keep doing this, Jinx? You commit some petty crime, we show up, you lose, then the story repeats itself. Why don't you just give it up?” Raven panted, exhausted from the drawn out battle with the meta-human witch. Jinx, also breathing heavily, smiled and batted her eyelashes.
“But then how would I get my weekly fix of your company?” the pink haired girl asked sweetly. Raven rolled her eyes and turned away.
“If this is just a game to you then you should really think about quitting. At the rate you're going you'll end up in jail for the rest of your life or dead. You have a chance at a decent life, why waste it?” Raven said, her words thick with pent up emotion. A witty retort died on the luck charmer's lips upon hearing the serious tone in the empath's voice.
“You really mean it, don't you?”
“Not everybody has the chance for a happy ending,” the dark haired girl said bitterly, making it obvious that she felt that she belonged in that category. She then turned and offered the pink haired girl a thin smile. “I'd hate to see someone like you waste yours.” Jinx cocked an eyebrow.
“What do you mean, 'someone like you'?” she asked suspiciously.
“You never really had the chance for a normal childhood. You were practically raised from birth to become a villain. Believe me, I know how it feels to be stuck with a destiny you don't want.”
“Well how do you know this isn't exactly what I want?” Jinx asked cattily, the surprise wearing off enough for her usual feisty self to return.
“Because unlike you, your aura never lies. Anxiety, tension, and layer upon layer of deep seeded depression don't exactly paint a very happy picture. The only times you ever level out towards anything normal is after we've stopped whatever crime you were committing or...” Raven trailed off, casting her eyes downward.
“Or what?” the pink haired girl asked, curiosity getting the better of her.
“Or when you're around me,” Raven said, the barest hint of a nervous smile tugging at her lips. Jinx looked at the other girl curiously for a moment, trying to decide whether she thought Raven was being serious or merely trying to avoid a fight.
“Let's say I agree with what you're saying, what happens to me?”
“I take you in, you serve whatever sentence they give you, then you move on with your life.”
“Well... that sounds pretty sucky if you ask me!”
“You committed the crimes, didn't you?” Raven said with a shrug.
“Well, yeah... but...” Raven looked at her then, her gaze seeming to pierce far deeper than just skin, and let out a slow sigh.
“I'll tell you what, I'll go in with you and tell them that you turned yourself in voluntarily and all about the circumstances that led you to where you are now. With that and my word that you're done with crime, they should go pretty easy on you. Like I said, it's hardly your fault you ended up like this.”
“And what if I should... fall back into my old ways afterwards?” Jinx asked coyly. Having already made her decision she decided that she might as well go out with a little style. That is, until the shadows surrounding Raven seemed to deepen several times over. The pink haired girl couldn't help but shiver at the chilling effect the image offered.
“Betraying my trust isn't something I would recommend...”
“I was only teasing, I promise!” Jinx said with a nervous giggle, offering her hands to the other girl in surrender. “I accept.” Again she was met with that piercing gaze and after a moment the shroud of darkness faded away.
“You won't regret this, Jinx,” Raven murmured as she stepped forward to form a single black cuff around one of the girl's wrists, forming the other half on one of her own and binding them with a chain of darkness. Jinx bit her lip nervously for a moment before reaching out and taking one of Raven's hands between hers.
“Thank you, Raven...”
“I'm just doing what's best.”
Jinx shook her head and smiled a sad smile. “It's just... you're the first one that's ever really cared...”
–
Jinx smiled at the old familiar memory, the knowledge that Raven cared enough to try to save her still making her feel as warm and fuzzy now as it had a year ago. That, she realized, was when this whole thing had started. As she had adjusted to her new life there had been one thing missing that always nagged at her and it took a great deal of meditation and wandering thoughts to finally pinpoint what that was... Raven. In the old days she had always thought the thrill of facing off against the empathic girl came from simple battle lust, but that had obviously been wrong. She had spent a lot of restless nights in bed or near the telephone, urging herself to give the girl a call so she could see her or even just hear her voice. She persevered though, committing herself to becoming a stable member of society like Raven had wanted before reappearing and stealing the girl's heart. It had been a wonderful goal and a heartwarming fantasy... one that had come so very close to coming true...
Her fingertips brushed across her lips once more, feeling a tingle throughout her body as the images she had seen returned. The painful realization that she would never have a place in Raven's life was heartbreaking but the news hadn't all been bad. There was some relief to be found in that she had always wondered if all the experiments she had undergone would have even left her able to conceive and she now knew that she could. Still though, it was little comfort for a girl that loved women and had been denied the one that could give her a child. The more she thought about it the more she felt like she should laugh at the idea of her becoming a mother... but she just couldn't bring herself to do it.
“I'm only seventeen... what the hell would I know about raising a kid? Hell, with me as her mom she's probably better off not even...” The first tear was alone in its journey down her cheek. “A child... our child...” Her hands went to her belly, an emptiness settling in her chest when she felt the absence of what her heart still told her should be there. The second and third tears made their journey together, each falling into the water below with a quiet plip. “We would have been bumbling parents at first. Still so new to the whole thing but with enough love to make it work. I'd complain about you going off into danger all the time and you'd tell me not to worry but I always would anyways. Starfire would be there to cheer me up whenever we had an argument but they would never last very long because one look...” there were far too many tears to count now, “one look at our sweet little girl's face and nothing else would matter...” She buried her face in her hands... and tried to cry out the misery that threatened to tear her heart in two...
–
-Starfire-
“Raven wishes to be with me! Raven wishes to love me!” Starfire crowed, spiraling with joy as she flew up the stairs. The time spent meditating with Raven as well as what had occurred at the dance club had been eye opening experiences for the alien girl. The question of why she had always cared so much about Raven's happiness had finally been answered in full. The moment she had realized what she felt it had all started falling into place. The way they always protected one another more than what was needed. The way they always seemed to be there when the other needed someone. And most compelling of all... the way the White Raven had looked at her with such desperate longing when she had been sent into the future. All of it came together to paint a picture of love and devotion that she wished more than anything to be a part of.
“Koriand'r...” She ground to a halt in her flight. The voice had been faint and weak in her mind but there could be no mistaking it.
“Raven! I must tell you that I...” Confusion, followed by a trickle of fear ran through her body as the link was severed and she found herself alone in her mind. She knew something was wrong, causing her to double her pace through the twisting halls towards the dark haired girl's room. Upon coming into sight of the room she saw that the door was open and slowed her speed considerably to keep from frightening the other girl with her arrival. “Raven, I have come to tell you that I...” she paused in her jubilation upon discovering that she was alone in Raven's room. Chewing her lip nervously she checked the bathroom and found that it too was empty. Disappointment filled her as she realized that in her rush to clear up the misunderstanding she hadn't taken the time to consider where Raven might actually be.
“The one I wish to share myself with is in pain and I cannot even be at her side to give her the feel betters...” she murmured, the toes of her shoes dragging across the ground as she hovered over to the bed. Guilty heartache consumed her with the knowledge that her own naivety had been the cause of Raven's pain. She lowered herself onto the girl's bed and clutched a pillow to her chest, catching a hint of the scent she had begun to associate with the dark haired girl as they continued to grow closer together. The comforting image of the two of them laying like this with Raven in her arms instead of the pillow floated dreamily through her mind.
“Raven...” she whispered as the image shifted, Raven's lips now lowering themselves upon her neck as she moaned with unrivaled pleasure. Blushing, Starfire raised her fingers to touch the slightly bruised area where the real Raven had marked her neck. A sense of elation rushed through her body at the knowledge they had shared something so intimate. The realization of what she was thinking and of where she was doing it sent a rush of embarrassment through her and she rolled over quickly to hide her face in the blankets... only to have something hard poke against her stomach.
With a yelp and an unladylike curse in Tamaranean she pushed away from the bed into the air, spiraling around to see the large book Raven had given to Cyborg resting on the bed against the wall. Blushing at the situation and the curse she floated down to the bed and gathered the book into her lap, chewing nervously at her lip as she wondered what could possibly be written inside. The choice of whether or not to look was to be made for her, however, as the pages flashed with purple light and the book fell open in her lap. Swallowing nervously, she looked over the words that began to appear on the page.
So mesmerized was she by what she had discovered that she failed to notice the alarm had been sounded...
–
-Raven-
I felt as if I'd stepped into another world, an odd mixture of haze and clarity consuming my senses. Sight, smell, touch, sound, and taste all seemed heightened to ridiculous levels and yet I still found the world around me to be... foggy. It was almost as if I were looking at my surroundings through a pane of frosted glass from the outside. In addition to these heightened senses I had grown more powerful in both body and in mind. I could feel my muscles constantly coiling and uncoiling in my limbs and my empathic senses were focused to a level I could have only dreamed of before. And yet... I had never felt so weak and pitiful in all my life...
This body was not a blessing but a punishment. I had been denied everything I could have wanted and willingly gave away that which could have been. Everything, it seemed, had been stacked against me from the very beginning with my own body at the forefront. Every decision I had made since setting my emotions free weighed so heavily on my mind. I had taken my freedom lightly and this would be how I was forced to atone for my carelessness. I had become ever more of that which had gotten me rejected... that which had condemned me to this twisted form. I was... unnatural.
My only hope... was that I would be able to contain it...
-
Out of control...
-
The alarm began reverberating through the tower beneath me and within seconds, three forms were quickly approaching up the stairs. It took little more than a brief glance at the havoc I had wrought in the throws of my transformation to realize what had alerted those inside. Not wanting to be seen as I was, I summoned a long hooded cloak to cover myself just as the male Titans burst forth from the stairwell to confront the cause of the disturbance. It would be a simple matter of convincing them what had happened and then we could proceed to find the best way to prevent me from causing any harm.
“Titans, go!”
'I really hate when he says that!' In tandem with the thought, my shadow extended outward like a bolt of black lightning, shooting upwards at Robin's head in the form of a thin black spike. “No!” I shrieked within my mind, bringing the piercing blow to a halt barely an inch from his brow. With great effort I retracted the shadow back to my body and held my hands out in front of me, palms up in an offer of surrender.
“Why are you attacking us?! Who are you?!” Robin shouted, his voice somewhat shaky from the shock of near death.
“I'm sorry! I can't control it!” I shouted, but no voice came from my lips. The words were instead sent directly into their minds and with a surprising amount of force from the looks of their wincing. I could feel a great surge of panic building up in one of them and I prayed he wouldn't do something stupid.
“Dude! This thing nearly gave you a head piercing! I'm not waiting to hear what it wants!” Beast Boy shouted, transforming into hawk and darting up into the sky.
“Don't do it, I'm begging you!” I pleaded but the metamorph paid me no heed, changing again into a snarling green tiger in an attempt to surprise me from above. “You idiot!” I shrieked, a massive black claw rising from the ground to seize the beast from the air and hurl him into the doors of the stairwell. “Stop fighting! I don't want to hurt you!” I sensed danger to the left and summoned a portal to capture the Sonic Boom Cyborg had just fired at me, opening a second portal in front of me to redirect the attack at Robin who was preparing to throw one of his explosive boomerangs. The sudden attack caught him off guard, forcing him to roll to the side into a snare I didn't remember placing. “No more, please!” I called out desperately, using all the willpower I could muster to keep the jaws of the trap from closing around him, just barely giving him enough time to spring free before the jagged black maw snapped shut. Beast Boy, having reverted back to his human form, and Cyborg regrouped next to him.
“That's twice you could have finished me but held back, why? What do you want from us?” Robin panted, nerves shot from the two close calls.
“I told you I don't want to hurt you but I can't control myself! Why won't you listen to me?!” The anger in me was building quickly, the events leading up to my rejection from Starfire joining in to add to the frustration.
“I say we go formation three on its butt and take it out,” Beast Boy whispered loud enough for my enhanced senses to pick up. The dam holding my anger back shattered.
“No more fighting!” I roared, a wave of darkness rising from the ground to hurl them back against the wall of the stairwell and hold them there. “If you'd just listen to me I could explain all of this! Can't you tell who I am? It's me, Ra...” Searing hot pain tore through my back and sent me stumbling forward.
“You chose a very poor time to attack us evil-doer, I am not in the mood of happiness!” I managed to turn around just in time to catch a heavy blow to the jaw as Starfire descended from where she'd blasted me, sending me reeling back with enough force to shake loose my hood. Her charge died midway as she fell from the air, Star Bolts fading from her hands as the righteous anger vanished from her emotions.
“Koriand'r...” my mental voice whispered, sending an odd chill through her aura. She turned away from me, disgust written all over her face. “Have I become so ugly to you? So... unnatural?” I murmured as burning hot tears welled up to flow down my cheeks in four, thick streams. Frustrated, I wiped them away with the back of one blood red hand. Her silence grated against my heart with every passing second. “Answer me!” I shouted, causing her to flinch and clench her fists.
“It is not you that I view as unappealing, it is me!” she shouted, turning to face me with heartfelt tears in her eyes. “It is I who is to blame for bringing so much hurt to one I wished only wondrous happiness to! The fault is mine that you are hurting and it brings much pain to my hearts!” She took a few wavering steps towards me, reaching out with one hand. “I have learned much from the magic book in your room about what has happened to you, Raven, and you do not have to be in this time of hurting alone. I wish to swear the life love with you and share your pain!” she shouted, pleading with her eyes.
“Koriand'r... but... you rejected my love!” No matter how hard I tried to suppress it the seething anger and misery her rejection had instilled in me would not be denied. “You said I was unnatural and you were right! My lust for you consumed me Koriand'r, it still does even now! The mere sight of your bare skin and the faintest hint of your scent are enough to drive me wild! Is that what you want?! Some half mad beast that insults your kind and loving nature with her every thought?!” I clutched at my head as if to rip the struggling emotions from within it. “You do not love me, Koriand'r... you pity me!” Her aura flared up at those last words.
“That is not true! I have so much love for you that it brings me much pain to see you feeling so much hurt. I felt as though I was flying most joyously when you confessed you found me beautiful! I thought you wished to swear the life love with me but I did not understand your words! You must believe what I say is the truth!” she pleaded. My breath caught in my throat as she poured her feelings into every word and I could sense no deception in them. The monster that had stemmed from my shattered confidence, however, would not be denied.
“No... you don't love me! Look at me... I'm a monster!” Her eyes softened and she stepped forward once more.
“You are not a monster, Raven. You are a beautiful, wonderful, glorious female and I will help you see that as I promised. I said to you that I would stay at your side no matter what and a princess of Tamaran does not break a promise, even more so if it is made with one she loves!” The devotion in her words fell on my senses like a hammer blow, the misery and doubt were straining to remain in control but were quickly loosing ground. The demon inside me howled with rage and summoned the darkness around me in a last ditch effort to save itself. To my surprise, Starfire smiled as my body began to sink through the floor into the tower. “Wait for me and I will come to you,” she whispered, clutching a hand over her chest. I could do nothing but reach out to her as the darkness consumed me...
-
Decent...
-
“You can't, Starfire, it's too dangerous!” Robin shouted. Starfire shook her head and did her best to ease his worries with a smile.
“Raven will not hurt me... but I must go to her, even if it was not what she wished. The one I have chosen to share the life love with is hurting and I will not let that continue. I am sorry that you do not understand.” It looked like he wanted to say more but stopped himself and walked away. Cyborg approached next and put his hand on her shoulder.
“You understand what she wants from you, right?” he asked uncomfortably. She smiled at the machine man and patted his hand.
“It is what we both want, that has not changed with her new shape. She is still Raven and Raven is the one that brings me the most warmth.”
“Just making sure. Be careful Star...” he said before removing his hand and moving to stand by Robin. Beast Boy was next, rubbing the back of his head and grinning.
“So, you're totally going to go chick out with demon Raven?” he asked. The alien girl seemed to ponder what he was saying for a moment before smiling and nodding.
“I believe it will be different from the images I saw on your computer monster, but yes, I wish to if she will accept me as her mate.” His eyes went wide and he quickly walked over to the others, earning a hard slap to the back of the head from Cyborg and a disappointed glare from Robin. She gave them all a warm smile, grateful to have friends that cared so much for her safety, before turning away from them to gather the courage she would need before beginning her descent into the tower.
The short flight through the hallways to Raven's room gave her little time to prepare herself for what was about to happen. A small part of her mind wished that she had accepted Terra's offer of trying sex with her as the practice would have been useful. It was only a small part though, the larger part was grateful that her first time would be in the arms of the one who brought her body the most warmth... the one that filled her with enough joy to fly for a thousand lifetimes.
“Go away...” Raven's voice whispered into her mind. There was so much bitter loneliness in the girl's words that it pained her to hear them, so much so that she felt the need to wrap her arms around herself for comfort. Raven was suffering and she knew that it was her responsibility to make that pain go away. Gathering all the willpower she had, Starfire raised her head and lowered her hands to her waist, balling them into fists.
“I will not! You will open this door and make the love with me as we both want or I will break it down myself!” Starfire shouted, glaring defiantly at the strip of metal that thought to keep her from Raven.
“You don't mean that, Koriand'r, you saw what I look like... you saw what I almost did to the others... I'd never be able to forgive myself if I hurt you...”
“I do not think you will hurt me, Raven, I come to share a most wondrous moment with you! One of great love and passions and joy! It will be...” she lifted up one hand to rest it against the cool metal of the doorway, a trickle of doubt entering into her mind, “I am certain it will...” Just as her nerve was beginning to falter a flood of recent memories arose in the back of her mind. Memories – of a desperate and frightened Raven calling for her and only her when she needed help, the flight to the mall where Raven could barely keep her eyes off of her, the meditation session that ended so intimately, and then at last the beautiful night spent at the dance club – returned to remind her of the love and desire she held for her dark haired friend and chased away any doubts she might have had. “It will be glorious!”
-
To be continued...