Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become...
From the song Bring Me To Life (the Fallen album), by Evanescence
I don't know how long I would have gone on that way, if it hadn't been for her.
For weeks, the Searrs had become increasingly reckless, possibly out of desperation. Chiropteran attacks began to spring simultaneously in various parts of the city, so that Solomon was forced to dispatch human teams to cover grounds that I couldn't. As highly trained as his men were though, they were hardly a match for the vampiric monsters - which meant that battles were longer and the probability of victims and witnesses higher.
"You'll need to be more careful, Shizuru." Solomon warned me quietly. "My men are doing their best to conceal any evidence, but enough deaths have happened and enough bodies have surfaced that the Fuka Police Department has begun to investigate. I know you've never left a trace, but the city's under alert now."
I nodded. I knew Solomon was frantically trying to find a way to control the situation. For all that I was the one in physical danger every night, I never forgot that the burden of the war rested almost entirely on his shoulders. I reached for his hand as he turned away.
"We'll find a way, Solomon."
He smiled at me, and brought my hand to his lips. My involuntary gesture had surprised us both. Since I had begun fighting the Chiroptera I had become increasingly remote and aloof. I knew it relieved Solomon's distress somewhat to catch on occasional glimmer of my vanishing humanity. But even as he held my hand, the spontaneous feeling of warmth that had led to my sudden outburst of affection had already begun to dissipate. The blood in me was already beginning to crave the carnage of the coming evening.
~~~~~
Detachment, indifference, perhaps even a strange sort of bliss, envelop me when I fight.
There is a structured chaos in the killing, a ritualistic beauty to the violence. It is not so very different from arranging flowers, writing calligraphy, or preparing tea. There are forms to be observed, economies to be upheld. Each motion must accomplish its sole purpose, nothing more and nothing less. The world disintegrates around me in a vortex of dismembered limbs and gushing blood, but all tumble where I want them to tumble, like the poetry of falling leaves.
It doesn't upset me when they hurt me, when very occasionally they get past my defenses. But it disturbs the rhythmic flow of the dance, the tense fragility of my peace. It threatens to rip the oh-so-tenuous barrier that circles the ever-expanding darkness inside.
And when the dance ends -
The wail of police sirens cut sharply across the remnants of my battle haze. I quickly surveyed the alley where I had ambushed the Chiropterans: apart from the tumbled trash bins and cracked concrete walls, little evidence remained of the slaughter that had taken place. I blended into the shadows; it would be useful for Solomon to know the extent of what the Fuka Police had uncovered.
The police arrived already expecting to be disappointed. It was clear that they had encountered too many similarly enigmatic scenes the past several weeks, the frustration evident on their faces. Two crime scene investigators began to go over the grounds, one taking careful photographs of the inexplicable imprints and indentations on brick and metal.
The photographer stepped into the harsh glare of an alley light, and when she lifted her face, I gasped at the sudden pain that lanced through my chest.
It was Natsuki. She looked as beautiful as ever, but thinner and more delicate, the look of grim implacability on her face so familiar that it hurt. The glint of light against her neck revealed the locket Solomon had given her at my funeral.
And although my gasp had been inaudible to human ears, she looked up sharply, her gaze directed at the shadows in which I hid. Then one of her colleagues called out to her, and whatever sixth sense it was that had alerted her to my presence vanished at the interruption. After several more minutes, they finished their investigation and cordoned the area off with police tape. Natsuki gave the alley one more searching glance, her gaze lingering at the shadows that concealed me, before finally driving off with her partner.
I was up on the rooftops in moments, trailing them.
~~~~~
I knew of course, from the cursory surveillance that Solomon had kept on the Himes, that Natsuki had gone on to university - that she had taken up Forensics Science and was working part-time at the city's crime lab. But ever since my "death", I had deliberately stayed away for fear that I wouldn't be able to restrain myself - wouldn't be able to resist telling her that I was alive after all, which would only put her at risk.
But it was just so like her to plant herself squarely in the middle of danger anyway. Being an undergraduate, she should not have been at the crime scene. But then, Natsuki always managed to find a way to get what she wanted, regardless of protocols or procedures.
Her colleague finally dropped her off at her apartment, and despite my resolve to stay away, I gave in to the temptation to see her that night, if only for a few moments. I waited until the lights of her flat dimmed, then made my way silently to her window.
She was already asleep, the expression on her face so haunted and vulnerable it was more than I could bear. I slipped easily into her room and sat at her bedside, watching the rise and fall of her breath. I reached down to touch her fragile cheek, but froze when I heard her sleepy whisper, "Shizuru..." It was the desolation in the way she uttered those three syllables and the glimmer of tears on her lashes that made me flee back into the night, torn between hope, desire, duty and regret.
Why, I asked in anguish, why, if she truly loves me now, did she have to love me only now? When my being with her would only put her in danger, when my being with her could never bring her happiness? Why love me now and only now, Natsuki, when I have nothing left to give you, not even my life?
But for all the pain, it was seeing her again that saved me, that reminded me of the reason I fought, and the darkness in me receded just a bit.
~~~~~
When I returned home that night, Solomon looked at me for a long, thoughtful moment.
"Welcome home, Shizuru."
From the way he said it, I knew he meant it in more ways than one.
I smiled at him, marveling as always at how well he knew me.
"It's been a while, but would you care to join me for tea?"
His grin was all the answer I needed.