------------------------------------------------
Last time, on Ranma 1/2-
Ranma defeats Kuno! But another challenge from the crazy one has arrived!
And another challenger has arrived all the way from China! (A few episodes early...)
*hits announcer with foam bat*
What the? Shampoo has given the Kiss of Marriage to Kasumi! That’s not right! That’s not right at all!!
*has announcer committed to an asylum*
Don’t make me take the pills!
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Episode 4: Now With 100 Percent More Crack!
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Kasumi finally started to regain consciousness several hours later. Someone had not only taken her home, but also had the courtesy to put her in bed.
She could hear a knocking on the door. It opened to reveal her father, of all people. He hugged her, crying, “I knew Genma could train you!”
Genma was apparently standing right next to him, stone-faced. “You did alright, from what Hinako said. Once you got past all of her womanly exaggerations.”
Kasumi had every reason to believe that Genma only gave her this much credit because his old friend and her own father was standing next to him. Regardless, she took the back-handed compliment in stride. “Thank you. How was Ranma’s fight, Mr. Saotome?”
“SENSEI!”
Soun stared at his old comrade before Genma continued. “He got sloppy. But he won.”
That translated into, “He came, he saw, and he conquered.”
Soun nodded. “Akane managed to get Ranma some hot water before Kuno caught sight of her.”
The explanation was interrupted by an abrupt agreement in the front yard, with people yelling in tongues that Soun couldn’t recognize. Genma, Kasumi, and Ranma (whose head was sticking out of the nearby door, trying to figure out what was going on) could place the language all too well.
The three of them ran down the stairs, past the dojo where Akane was talking to Hinako, past where Nabiki was counting her money, to the front door, to find the Old Hag and her apprentice arguing in Mandarin.
After twelve seconds, the two realized that they had attracted an audience. Shampoo stopped what she was doing, and play-tackled Kasumi.
It felt like all of the blood had gone to Kasumi’s face. She couldn’t escape. Shampoo’s head was nuzzling- oh gods, she was nuzzling her “assets”.
This PDA was met with various emotions, Tendo crying (“NOOO!”), Genma logical (‘Hm... Ranma will have to redouble his efforts with Akane...’), Ranma puzzled (‘Since when was Kasumi a chick magnet?’), and Kasumi dumbstruck (‘I don’t understand...’).
Noticing the general uproar of both clans of the house, Kho Lon spoke up and introduced herself and her great-granddaughter. “I suppose you should know why my daughter is being so affectionate.”
Akane and Nabiki now joined the rest of their family outside, Nabiki seeing nothing but little yen signs, whilst Akane was disturbed but intrigued.
“You see, she,” pointing to Kasumi, who was finally starting to escape the loving death grip, “defeated my great-granddaughter in combat. Ordinarily, this would’ve resulted in my protégé hunting her to the ends of the earth-“
There was a sudden interjection from Ranma, of all people. “I knew I should’a fought her instead!”
“I SAID, ORDINARILY! But due to her actions, and one of our lesser-known bylaws- Kasumi, is it?”
The woman in question, who had finally escaped the hug, nodded, gasping for breath.
“Kasumi is now Xian’s Pu’s fiancé.”
Beat. Tendo started to cry once more, his tears now watering the nearby flower garden. “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” His cry reverberated throughout the neighborhood, almost Darth-Vader-like in its echoes.
Sensing a future windfall in her business, Nabiki took a picture of the Amazon and her own sister and ran off to her room.
Genma shook his head before turning to Ranma. “This settles it. Ranma, unless Kasumi manages to break this off, you’re marrying Akane.”
Ranma and Akane simultaneously began trying to fight the elder Saotome.
“Uncute tomboy-“
“Pigheaded egotistical-“
“Better built to boot-“
“No sense of modesty-“
“Sad excuse for an innazuke-“
Trying to ignore the chaos of the shouting, Kasumi snuck back into her room and fell back asleep, trying to come to terms with just what had happened. ‘Maybe this is all a creepy dream. Maybe I accidentally added some sake to the tea last night. Or maybe I accidentally ate Akane’s cooking.’
-------------------
Or maybe it was all real.
Kasumi woke up hours later, very warm and relaxed. And she also felt like she was lying against two *incredibly* comfortable pillows.
CLICK!
There was a bright flash, a scurry of footsteps, and the sound of a door closing. Kasumi had to take a moment to get her sight back. She turned to her side-
To find Shampoo with her arms wrapped around her, her breasts pressing against her. And she was naked. NAKED. Not even panties!
...
When the hell did that happen?
That’s what would have gone through a normal person’s mind, one who wasn’t too shy to reveal what s/he was thinking. But Kasumi was much too embarrassed to think anything other than ‘Oh my!’, merely content to get herself free.
The door opened again as Kasumi stumbled out of bed, and in stepped Ranma.
“Kasumi, the baaaAAAAAHAHAAH!!!”
He pointed at what he thought was impossible. The friend that he thought he knew so well, the pinnacle of innocence, Kasumi, had slept with-
"I swear Ranma, I didn't-"
“Ranma, dinner’s- WHAT THE?!?!”
Akane had stepped in after Ranma, not believing her eyes either. She tried to turn around and pretend that this had never happened, but she bumped into Ranma, whose eyes had expanded to the size of tennis rackets. Soun ran up the stairs to see what all the screaming was about, looked for a brief second, and ran back downstairs before flooding the kitchen with his tears.
Kasumi didn’t need to look to figure out what was going to happen next.
“Ranma, you pervert! Stop staring at my sister!!!”
Said ‘pervert’ tried to get out of the way, but he just didn’t have enough room to avoid the imminent hammer.
As she dragged Ranma out of the room, she noticed that one of Ranma’s hands was clutching his side instead of his head, as per the usual. The other was grabbing at his neck, which was bent at an angle thought possible only by pretzels and Boy Scout knots.
“Ranma, I think you need to see a doctor.”
Ranma looked at Kasumi (difficult, considering the angle of his neck) as if she had suggested for him to have sex with a boy AS a boy. “What?”
“That’s the place where Kuno hit you yesterday. Akane, is there a doctor nearby?”
Akane nodded. “Tofu just came back into town; he should be able to help the pervert.”
Every urge in Ranma’s head screamed at him to deny it, but he found himself biting his tongue, trying to avoid the near-imminent blunt force trauma.
Akane, meanwhile, was trying to find some way out of directly escorting the boy-girl. “Kasumi, when’s the last time you went to see the doctor?”
Kasumi leaned out the doorframe trying desperately not to awaken the Amazon in her bed. “...A few years ago. Why?”
A sweat drop ran down Akane’s head as she got an idea. An awful idea. “Why don’t you take Ranma to the doctor?”
“Akane, I don’t know where the doctor is.”
‘Damn.’ “Then you should come with me and Ranma to the doctor.”
She added in her mind, ‘Then I won’t have to go alone with this idiot.’
Kasumi didn’t nod, glancing at the bedroom. “I need to talk to, um...”
Her eyes wandered to her occupied bed. No more words needed to be said, with everyone walking away from the room, Ranma wincing in pain.
Once Genma was out of sight, Kasumi heard a yawn emanating from the direction of her bed. There was a large noise as well- something had cracked. She looked up, and the doorframe had partially separated from the rest of the house.
Xian Pu got out of the bed, looking frantically for something. She searched the bed, as if she was trying to find a lost teddy bear, before shifting her attention to the door.
Kasumi could hear footsteps, but no amount of warning could have prepared her for what happened next.
GLOMP!
Xian Pu essentially tackled her Airen to the ground. Kasumi’s grip had only failed in part- her hands were still attached to the door frame. But the frame was now on the floor. The eldest Tendo’s mind had shut down once more as she tried to figure out- oh kami, was Shampoo trying to snuggle with her on the floor?
Kasumi couldn’t see it, but the Amazon’s face was filled with glee. “Hello, Airen!”
The ‘Airen’ in question tried to turn to face the foreigner, only being able to do so with some difficulty. Shampoo was positioned directly above Kasumi, resting atop her prone body.
It took every fiber of Kasumi’s will not to focus on the fact that Shampoo was as naked as the day she was born. After failing that, all the blood in her body went to her face once again. “Shampoo, why are you in my house?”
“Simple.” She paused for a moment, trying to remember how to say it in Japanese, but she was never that good at the language. Finally, she pointed at the Tendo. “You Airen. You marry Xian Pu.”
Kasumi’s eyes widened. “What?!? When did I do that?”
“Well, technically, you haven’t done that yet.”
Both pairs of eyes turned to find Kho Lon staring at them. -“Xian Pu, I take it you’re trying to get to know your future wife, yes?”-
The lilac-haired one nodded in contentment. All Kasumi got out of that were the words ‘yes’, ‘I’, and ‘wife’.
“Wife?” All this talk of wives and marriage was making Kasumi uneasy, to say the least.
The Elder nodded as she handed her descendant some clothes. After catching them, she walked to the restroom, Kasumi’s eyes unwillingly following the intruder’s departure. “Yes. As I told you before, you are to be married to Xian Pu.”
Blink. ‘Guess all of that was real.’
“But I’m a girl!”
“Yes, I know. Under ordinary circumstances, you would be dead by now. But our dealings with you and this...‘Ranma’...have been anything but.”
Kasumi finally stood up, not understanding why she hadn’t done so before. Her left hand unconsciously went to her nose, revealing that she had a nosebleed. “I don’t understand. How could this have happened?”
“I explained this to you earlier-“
“Then can you do it again, please?”
Kho Lon walked a few steps away from the woman before finding the right response. “When an outsider woman beats an Amazon, she is usually given the Kiss of Death, and the outsider is sentenced to be hunted down and killed by the warrior.”
Parts of that made sense to Kasumi, but it didn’t quite fit together with what had happened. “Then why did you follow us here? Neither Ranma or I ever beat Shampoo until yesterday!”
“True, but you did humiliate the village at large by eating the victory feast for our yearly tournament.”
Footsteps echoed down the hall once more. Xian Pu was in eyesight once more, wearing a light purple shirt, with pants of a darker shade. She stopped just two feet away from the Tendo.
“Anyway, there’s a very obscure bylaw involving the circumstances for giving the Kiss.”
Xian Pu nodded. “Is true. Test of courage made after fight.”
Kho Lon continued the explanation. “Usually, the outsider woman fails the test by running away. But the true victor chooses to face her fate.”
“There reason law not known. Is no one who no run away for centuries.” She hugged her Kasumi to accentuate this, who could only blush.
“Warriors who do not run are allowed to join the tribe, usually through the Kiss of Marriage, which is ordinarily given to male victors.”
The words ‘marriage’, ‘Airen’, and ‘engaged’ were still echoing throughout Kasumi’s mind. There was something else that was reverberating through her head as well, but she refused to believe THAT could be true. “I’m... supposed to marry...” As the words rolled off her tongue, an unusual shiver ran down her back.
“Yes.”
Kasumi looked at Xian Pu, who smiled genuinely.
“Oh my.”
----------------------------
The tension between Ranma and Akane was almost palpable. Neither one had said anything since they left the house. People had given them weird looks as they had been walking down the street, one little girl calling Ranma ‘Pretzel Man’. But the thoughts running through the two’s heads had been playing ad continuum since they’d gone.
‘This is SO awkward.’
‘Why didn’t Kasumi come with me and this perv again?’
Thankfully, the trip had been a short one- Dr. Ono’s office wasn’t that far off.
As the door opened, the familiar bell rang, bringing the good Doctor’s attention to the new arrivals. “Ah, good afternoon, Akane! Finally here for your app-”
Akane made a silent ‘kill-it’ gesture across her throat, to which Tofu quickly changed the subject. “Ah, and who’s your friend, Akane?”
“Saotome Ranma.” He clutched at his side again, mumbling in pain.
“Oh, that looks painful. Let me look at that for you.” He gestured for Akane to sit down, while he went into one of the rooms down the hall, one Saotome in tow.
Tofu closed the door behind him as Ranma sat down on the patient’s ‘bed’. As the good Doctor picked up his stethoscope, he asked, “Ranma, how do you know Akane?”
“Uh...” He took off his shirt as Tofu put the cold metal instrument onto Ranma’s bare skin.
“She’s my innazuke.”
The instrument fell out of Tofu’s hand, proceeding to dangle in the air, anchored by his ears. Trying to regain his composure, he smoothly took the stethoscope off and looked at Ranma, trying to observe the object of his pain. “You’re engaged to Akane?”
“Not willingly, but yea.”
Tofu turned away, and walked towards the door. “Ranma, I need to get a certain medicine for your bruise. Could you wait here a moment, please?”
Without waiting for a response, he closed the door behind him, and reentered the waiting area. “Is this why you didn’t come to your appointment yesterday, Akane?” His voice was calm and collected, without a trace of malice.
“It’s more than that, Doc-“
“We can discuss this in more detail once I help Ranma.” He walked into a nearby unmarked door, only to return a minute later with what appeared to be a green hair gel container.
He walked down the other hallway once again, passing all of the empty rooms, except the one that had a sign on the door, ‘Do Not Disturb’. He opened the door he’d originally come from, only to find a girl wrestling with the tap from the nearby sink.
“COLD! COLD!!!! Why didn’t anyone tell me that this sink was broken?!?”
Quickly, Tofu turned off the faucet. “I guess I’ll have to call a plumber this ti-” He was cut off in mid-sentence when it dawned on him that the redhead before him was not wearing a bra. And was not wearing a shirt.
“Gah-” His glasses fogged over, the train of thought in his mind now derailed.
“What’rya starin’ at?”
Akane, hearing the yelling, knew what to expect before she walked through the door. “Ranma no baka! Haven’t you heard of such a thing as feminine modesty?”
“I’m a guy, damn it!”
She quickly put her shirt back on, resulting in the fog on Tofu’s glasses to disperse. “Thank you, Akane. Now, where’d your friend go?”
----------------------------
The ensuing explanation could be summed up by the following:
Ranma: HOT! COLD!! WHY, OH WHY, MUST IT BE SO HOT?!?
Akane: Pervert!!!
Tofu: I can’t believe that’s physically possible!!
-------------------------------
“Well, that’s new.”
Ranma was still recovering from the repeated drenching, while Akane looked ready to stab the half-boy with a series of very sharp medical instruments.
Trying not to set Akane off, Tofu silently reached inside the faux hair gel container, scooping up what appeared to be a clear, though murky, substance.
He applied the gel to what appeared to be a horribly blackened bruise, using a combination of his pointer and middle fingers. It felt cold on Ranma’s exposed skin, if not slightly discomforting. After a few seconds, though, he felt as right as rain.
From out of the blue, Dr. Tofu began to press his fingers on various points of Ranma’s shoulders. “Hey, what the heck, Doc!”
Just as suddenly as Tofu had moved, Ranma’s back felt loosened, better than he had felt in weeks. “That felt so good! How’d you do that?”
“Ranma, I may be the local doctor and psychiatrist, but I was always best at being a chiropractor. As you can imagine, I’m usually busy with at least one patient...especially right after school starts every day.” He shot Akane a knowing glance before continuing.
“That has to be the worst back I’ve seen in all my years. How did that happen?”
“Well, I’ve been training nonstop for ten years... then there was that thing with the Amazons... and Akane’s stupid hamm-“
WHACK!
Tofu looked at Akane darkly as Ranma pulled himself off the ground. “Can you find your way back home from here, Ranma?”
“Yea, but why-“
“Then you’re good to go. Akane, I want a word with you.”
Ranma was confused, but didn’t stop walking out the door. On his way, he bumped into a large skeleton. “GAAAA-“
“It’s okay, Ranma. That’s just Betty. She helps me explain problems to my patients.”
Ignoring just how absurd that statement sounded, Ranma finally walked out the door.
------------------------------
‘This has to be the oddest day of my life.’
Kasumi sat in the bath, soaking in the hot waters. In the span of half a dozen hours, she’d been threatened, engaged, and almost bedded by the Chinese Amazon, Shampoo. Or was it Xian Pu?
Regardless, she’d managed to make it to the bath without being followed the purple-haired one. What on earth was she going to do?
She’d been taken out of an engagement that had no possibility of anything romantic- Ranma- and had it replaced with one with a girl- Shampoo.
...
Was this one the same as the last? No. She knew that Ranma was a good friend, but she couldn’t see herself marrying the guy. But Kasumi also knew that whatever was going on with Akane wouldn’t work. Maybe if she was just a little less violent with him. But no.
So Ranma was sort of in the same situation as her...except she was now expected to marry Shampoo.
Her face grew warm as she contemplated that possibility. She didn’t understand why, but the concept of Shampoo being beside her held some sort of silver lining that she couldn’t quite understand.
‘What the?’
Something was in the water, and it wasn’t Kasumi. This shadow inched closer and closer, becoming bigger as it drew toward the elder of Genma’s apprentices. Somehow, the ‘Jaws’ theme was ringing through her head...
“AIREN!!!”
One naked Amazon broke the surface of the bath, rose into the air a half an inch, and bear hugged Kasumi, all in the span of 2.15 seconds.
“Shampoo! What the- How the- Why the-”
Her eyes, without thinking, traveled down Shampoo’s body, down from her cherry eyes to her creamy skin and settling on her voluptuous figure, especially her exposed-
Kasumi lost consciousness not a moment too soon, blood squirting out her nose like water from a hose, her body going limp in Shampoo’s strong arms.
-‘Crud.’- She carried what she hoped would be her future wife out of the bath, dried her off, put Kasumi’s clothes back on, and put her back into bed.
-‘At this rate, we may not be able to consummate tonight. But that just might make the courting that much more enticing.’-
As Shampoo undressed, she saw a box of Kleenex. Delicately, she wiped the blood off Kasumi’s upper lip, and threw the soiled tissue away into a nearby trash bin. She finished removing the last of her clothes and got into the bed beside her unconscious Kasumi.
-‘First things first. I need to... condition... my Airen.’-
-----------------------------------------
“Akane, what have I told you about using the hammer?”
He glowered at the angry girl, who responded with a quiet, “He’s a pervert! And HE’S supposed to be my innazuke!”
Tofu looked at the door, trying to remember what Ranma had been like in the few minutes he had known the boy...girl? Both?
“If anything, he seemed more afraid than deviant. Which brings me back to the subject of our last appointment-“
“Doc, this isn’t really the best time-“
“-it’s never ‘the best time’, Akane. You were supposed to stop by yesterday, and you didn’t. Is this Ranma the reason?”
There was no sound coming out of Akane’s mouth, no matter how she willed it to come forth. Giving up on her vocal cords, she nodded.
“Well, you’re engaged to Ranma now. Does this mean we’ve finally found the answer to last session’s question?”
“...No.”
Tofu raised his left eyebrow in interest, his hands now writing furiously with a ballpoint pen on a pad of paper that he had taken out of his pocket. “Do you like this Ranma?”
“Kinda. I tried to be friends with her, but-”
Tofu held up his right hand slightly, signaling the hammer wielder to stop. “So you first met Ranma as a girl?”
“My entire family did, yeah. Is that important?”
“Crucial. When did you start hitting Ranma with the hammer?”
“Right before I was going to take a bath. Ranma was there, but she was a guy, and I didn’t know-“
He held up his hand once more. For a good two minutes, there was nothing but the sounds of frantic scribbling and page turning.
“Akane, I think I finally found the answer to why you’ve been so angry over the past few years.”
“Really?” As much as she enjoyed spending time with Doctor Ono, she wasn’t exactly a fan of these sessions. “What is it?”
“You’re not going to like what I have to say.”
Akane still didn’t care. “Go on. Please.”
The good doctor sighed. “Do you remember our little spat from our last meeting?”
Akane’s face quickly turned to a scowl. “Go on...”
“I think you’ve been overusing the hammer far too much, and I think the reason that you do it is because you’re disgusted.”
Almost unnervingly, said mallet appeared in Akane’s hands. “...About what?”
“Based on the last couple of sessions, I’ve concluded that you are disgusted by the idea of being intimate with men.” He flinched, preparing for the hammer to fall.
“Intimate? Do you have any idea what Kuno’s tried to pull on me?” The mallet was shaking, but not very much.
“Yes, I’m well aware. I’m just saying that the idea is what’s causing your anger problems.” The ‘Sledge Hammer of +5 WTF’ had not stopped quivering.
“So what are you trying to say?”
Tofu gulped, knowing that the next words coming out of his mouth could be his last. “I’m saying that it is entirely likely that you prefer being intimate with women.”
The wording of his statement made the hammer stop briefly as Akane tried to understand what he had just said. Finally, though, it dawned on her.
“YOU’RE SAYING I’M A LESBIAN?!?!?” The hammer rose into the air, assuming the striking position.
“NO! I’m just saying that it’s possible!” Tofu put both of his hands into the air, trying to get the angry one to calm down. “Furthermore, if (and I mean, IF) you are, then that could be another trigger for the hammer usage.”
The hammer shook less, until it finally stopped entirely. “But- I mean- I can’t be-”
“Doctor Ono? Are you there?”
“Just a moment, Tatewaki.” Akane’s eyes went wide.
“Doc, I’m gonna have to hide somewhere.”
She ran down the hall, opening one of the doors, and quickly closed it.
“Ah, good afternoon Tatewaki. Back so soon?”
Kuno nodded as he held up a bunch of flowers and a card. “Not for the same reason as before, sir.”
“She just got here last night. Visiting hours are about to end-”
“Please, sir. I must see my poor sister.”
The good doctor couldn’t deny his request. Both of them walked to the door with the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign hanging on the front, and entered the room.
This room was in use, filled with an occupied bed. The person in the hospital bed had all of her black hair covered with medical tape and gauze.
Kuno walked up one side of the bed, Dr. Tofu the other. Kuno put the flowers and the card on the nearby table. Tofu could now plainly see that he had been holding a ‘Get Well Soon’ card, albeit one with extremely elegant calligraphy.
Doctor Ono didn’t understand why, but he felt something pulling on his pants. He looked down-
“Why is Kuno in here?” Akane was under the bed, hissing foully at the doctor-slash-psychologist-slash-chiropractor.
Ono whispered back, “There’s a reason why it said ‘Do Not Disturb’ on the door. You couldn’t have picked a different room?”
“What is wrong, sir doctor?” Kuno had noticed that Tofu was looking down.
“Nothing. I just realized that I have some vacuuming to do later.” That satisfied Kuno, who’s sight returned to the bedridden patient.
“How is she?”
“My associate in Tokyo, Dr. Mizuno, says that the operation went off without a hitch. If her hypothesis is correct, your sister should now be able to live out the rest of her life normally.” He glanced at Kuno before remarking, “Well, normal for your family, anyway.”
There was a low-pitched yell coming from the other side of the wall, the side that the head of the bed rested against. “What on earth-”
A body came careening through the wall, also crashing through the next wall in its path. The momentum of this person caused the bed to scoot away from the wall, revealing a thunderstruck Akane Tendo.
“Ah, my beautiful Akane! You have come to me at las-“ Unfortunately, he tripped over his own two feet, causing him to land on top of Akane in what could only be called a compromising position for both parties.
“KUNO!”
In a matter of seconds, Akane’s sledge hammer sent the crazed kendosman flying into the distance.
Tofu looked at the rapidly shirking speck that was Tatewaki Kuno. “Okay, that time, he deserved the mallet.”
Akane’s attention now turned to the body who had crashed into the room, and that little angry vein on her head had grown to astronomical proportions. “RANMA!!!!!”
Ranma walked through the second hole in the wall he made. “Akane!
A bandana-wearing, canine-toothed, supremely-angered, black-haired boy jumped through the first hole. “RANMA! PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!”
“Ryoga!!! What the hell’s going on?!?
---------------------------------
“Ugh...”
‘When did I end up in bed? I remember trying to take a bath, and then-’
She found that there was an extra pair of arms in her bed, snaking around her torso.
“Hello again!”
Kasumi noticed that Shampoo was, once again, in her bed. And once again, she was entirely, 100 percent naked. The blood was rushing to her face-
“No, no! Airen no bleed! Need to stop being shy!”
“I don’t understand.”
Luckily for Kasumi, a distraction presented itself in the form of a shout downstairs. “GENMA SAOTOME!!!”
Quickly, Xian Pu released Kasumi, who quickly got up from the bed. “Is Kasumi in danger?”
“No, Saotome-sensei probably got himself in trouble with one of the shopkeepers again. I’m sure I can help put an end to this incident.”
She swiftly went out the door and down the stairs, finding what appeared to be a boy with a ponytail threatening Genma with a giant spatula. He appeared to be stuck to the wall by several miniature cooking utensils.
“Genma, do you have any idea how much pain you’ve caused me?!? You ruined my future! You took his okonomiyaki cart! Your promise was the only thing that was keeping my father going, and you broke his heart!!!”
“Please let me go, Ukyo, PLEASE let me go!”
Kasumi couldn’t believe her eyes or her ears. “Ucchan? Is that you?”
Ukyo quickly turned around, to find another person from that fateful day standing before her. “K-chan!”
The two old friends hugged for old time’s sake. “K-chan, where’s Ran-chan?”
“He’s at Doctor Tofu’s. Why?”
Ukyo smiled. She could trust THIS friend, right? “Because I need to kill him. Or you. And I’d much rather kill him.”
Kasumi laughed, not realizing that Ukyo was serious. “Always the kidder, Ucchan!” Her smile faded as she realized that Ukyo had a serious look on her face.
“No, seriously, I need to kill him.”
There was a shuffling in the direction of the stairs; a fully dressed Xian Pu had come down the stairs.
“Aiya! Why Airen in arms of second woman?!?”
Kasumi stared at Ukyo for a moment, her arms falling to her side. “You’re a girl, Ucchan?”
Ukyo blushed, while Xian Pu produced her bonbori. “Wife-stealer is obstacle for romance! Obstacles meant for killing!”
“K-chan, what is she talking about?” Regardless, she raised her spatula into the proper position.
“Ucchan, Shampoo, let’s just talk this out-”
“From what it sounds like, this Chinese bimbo thinks she’s your lover or something, and I can’t leave you hanging like that, K-chan!”
“WHAT?!? Xian Pu no bimbo! Kasumi is Xian Pu’s Airen! She supposed to marry Xian Pu!!!” She took a step towards Kasumi.
“That’s impossible! Genma, spit it out!” She flung another mini-spatula at Genma, intentionally missing his head by inches.
“GAH! ALRIGHT!” He turned to Soun, who had just entered the room, and then to Kasumi. “I promised Ukyo’s father that his daughter could marry one of my students, in exchange for his okonomiyaki cart.”
Ukyo was livid, shouting, “Because you were hungry! You took his cart and left me behind, and you broke his spirit!”
Soun began reverting into his infamous ‘Demon Head’ face. “GENMA, THAT’S TWO MARRIAGES THAT YOU’VE LED KASUMI INTO, AND NEITHER OF THEM INVOLVE YOUR SON!”
Genma was about to shout back that he’d intended for Ranma to be the object of that specific engagement, but that would’ve gotten him into even more trouble. Instead, he fired back with, “Well, I didn’t push Kasumi into the engagement with the Amazon! She got into that one herself!”
Kasumi couldn’t take the shouting match anymore. “THAT’S ONLY BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR FAT STOMACH ATE SHAMPOO’S VICTORY FEAST!! AND NOW YOUR FAT STOMACH SCREWED UCCHAN AS WELL?!?”
All eyes went to Kasumi. Her face was extremely red from the yelling, her breathing was loud and rapid. Not a single person in the room had ever seen her angry, except for Genma, who, despite being the object of both Ranma’s and even Kasumi’s ire so much, had never seen her THIS angry.
Despite the shrieking, Ukyo still stared at Xian Pu. “That’s it! I’m going to teach you what happens when you mess with a friend of mine!”
Xian Pu scoffed at the concept. “Spatula Girl about to get taste of own medicine!”
Kasumi was in too much shock to do anything, instead fixating on the fact that not only had she lost her temper for the second time in two days, but she’d also yelled at the very people that she trusted.
‘I hope this ends up going alright.’
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WHAT. THE. HELL. Ryoga and Ukyo show up early too?!? What have you done?!?
*I just created some serious crack pairings.*
Oh well. Do you have idea how many pills I had to take in there?
*Yeah. It was kinda funny.*
Next time, on Ranma 1/2-
Everybody’s fighting next episode!
First off, the standard Ranma/Ryoga faceoff! At least that’s still normal...
Then, it’s Shampoo-
*XIAN PU, IMBICILE!!*
Very well, it’s Ukyo versus Xian Pu! Can Kasumi put a stop to it before they kill each other?
And what’s this? Who is the new teacher, and how does she know Akane?
All this and more, on the next episode of Dragonball Z!
*THAT’S IT! I’m getting the chainsaw!*
No! Wait! I meant Ranma 1/2! Oh god- RUNNING TIME!
*chases announcer with chainsaw*
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A Guide for the Japanese Challenged
Sensei- I have no sympathy for you. Seriously. If you’ve gotten this far, and still don’t know, then you need help.
Innazuke- Translates into ‘fiancé’. Insert funny comment here.
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