Episode 2: Here's Ranma and Kasumi!
The Nerima cafe was notable for, well, being notable. It was really the only real coffee shop in the district, and it also had a reputation for having a good selection of music. Today, however, it was tuned into the news, which was spouting out the strangest story today.
"...our ongoing coverage of what can be called the strangest street brawl of all time continues now, as the oversized panda that was last seen fighting those two girls we told our listeners about earlier on 42nd Street have popped up again on Kreme Avenue..."
The owner of the establishment was sitting was listening intently to the radio, but lapsed slightly as he heard the street name. 'Isn't that the same street that we're-'
His train of thought was derailed by the sight of a large black and white mammal, fending off an assault from a red head and another woman with long brown hair. The tussle seemed to be dying down, though- the red head's last punch sent the panda-man flying into a fire hydrant, sending water shooting into the sky. The red head (whom the owner could only assume was Chinese on account of her attire) was yelling at the mammal, something like, "BAKA! There is no way I'm gonna go along with this!"
Her pet got right back up, though, and responded with a judo chop at the red head's collar bone, which made her lose consciousness. The brown haired girl retaliated, punching repeatedly at the endangered animal's gut, shouting, "I can't believe you! So that's why you took me with you and Ranma, Panda-san?!?"
The Asian bear pulled out a sign, seemingly out of nowhere, which read, (Sensei! SENSEI!)
The panda hammered the girl on the head with this newfound sign, and she stopped struggling, falling to the ground. The panda picked up both of the girls, threw them over its shoulder like a pair of towels, and ran away from the carnage that it had helped create.
The owner surveyed the damage across the street. Two cars were totaled, a third had its windshield shattered, a light post had been toppled, and there was water shooting forth from the broken fire hydrant. He could hear one of his patrons muttering, "There goes the neighborhood."
The owner looked at the object between his fingers and threw it away. 'I need to stop smoking the reefer.'
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The knocking at the door was met with relief for Soun, mainly because the anticipation was killing him. He was happy to see his oldest, Kasumi, finally returned to his arms, but somewhat confused to see a panda instead of his long time friend Genma. But the red head to its right-
"-must be Ranma! I've heard so much about you!" He hugged the 'son', but quickly noticed the presence of... two very perky, fairly large breasts.
There was an awkward silence before Nabiki spoke the obvious. "Daddy, I think Ranma's a girl." She poked the girl's breasts to double-check, much to Ranma's chagrin. "Yep."
After doing a double-take, Soun promptly fainted. Akane, meanwhile, was busy chatting up the new arrival. "Hi, my name's Akane."
Kasumi hugged her dad, oblivious to the fact that he was unconscious. "Father, I can't believe it's really you!"
Akane and Ranma both snuck out of the room, when Akane made an odd (but not out of character for a Ranma 1/2 fic... what, you expected fluffy pink dragons?) suggestion. "Dad said that your family liked to train and stuff... would you like to spar?"
Five minutes later, Akane found herself on the dojo floor, beaten by her new friend, Ranma. "Wow, you're pretty good! Thank goodness you're not a boy."
Ranma gave a phony smile, her right hand scratching the back of her head nervously. "Yea..."
"Listen, I'm sure you're tired of wandering around the country side. Why don't you go take a bath?"
"Yea, but-"
Kasumi marched down the stairs, drying out her hair. As Akane walked off to her room, happy that she made a new friend, Ranma asked, "Kasumi, what am I gonna do?"
His old friend closed her eyes and tapped her right pointer finger on her chin before finding a temporary solution. “Take a bath and unwind, Ranma-chan. We can explain all of this once everyone is relaxed.”
As Ranma went upstairs, she walked by her father playing shogi with her 'sensei', Mr. Saotome, who had found a kettle of hot water since his arrival. Both of them seemed to be in tears.
Genma looked nearly the same as he had when he struck his fateful proposal with Soun, except he was completely bald now. He wore the same glasses as always, and he still had that bandana covering the top of his head. Soun's mane had grown incredibly long, and it was impossible to tell how long he had gone without a haircut.
Kasumi looked at her father. "I guess he told you everything." Her father nodded, barely keeping control of himself.
"Kasumi, I'm sorry for-"
She beat him to the punch. "There's no apology necessary, Father. You did what you thought was best."
That didn't stop Soun from nearly bawling like an oversized mustachioed baby. "But..."
Genma moved one of his pieces on the shogi board. "She's right, Soun. We both agreed that it was for the best. For the fulfillment of the Art."
Tendo sniffled, but nodded in comprehension. "I- I know. I just need this to sink in. I mean, your own son-"
He was interrupted, however, a loud, high-pitched scream, followed by Ranma, now in his uncursed state as a boy, running down the stairs, struggling to put some pants on. Nabiki quickly pulled her eyes from the stack of dirty dishes she’d been washing and emerged from the kitchen to see what the entire ruckus was about.
"I swear, I ain’t a pervert!"
The comment was quickly reversed with a kitchen sink missing his head by inches. At the top of the stairs was a flustered, no, PISSED OFF Akane Tendo. Seriously, her eyes were red, that anime 'anger vein' was the size of a Hummer's hubcap, and she had pulled out her trademark 'Mallet of +19 Pervert Punishing' hammer out of Hammerspace.
The presence of the wooden mallet alarmed Kasumi, walking over to Ranma to get a better look at the weaponry. 'Where on earth did she get that?'
"Then why were you in the bathroom, huh? Where'd my friend go?"
There was a splash of water. Genma had thrown a bucket of cold water into the mix, splashing both Kasumi and Ranma, who was then transformed into his girl form.
"Sensei, I already took a bath! That wasn't necessary!"
The boy-turned-girl fumed at him. "OYAJI!!!!"
Akane just stared at the red head, feeling a bad headache coming on.
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The explanation of the curses was unexpectedly calm, save for the profanities that Ranma screamed out when the hot water touched her skin. His father turned him back into a her as punishment for "such unmanly behavior". The senior Saotome left out the part about the Amazons, seeing as how he didn't think it was important. The part where Genma explained the marriage proposal was created an explosion of outrage, as well as a call of mutiny among the children of both families.
"Oyaji, you can't expect me to do this!"
"You can, you will, and I'll make a man out of you in the process!" He picked up a bamboo stick and prepared to go all Mulan (the manly version, that is) on his ass.
Soun blew a whistle, and the two calmed down. "Please, can we just determine who Ranma will marry? I've got a hangover from last night, and I need to sleep."
In the ensuing fracas, Akane and Nabiki both forgot that Ukyo existed, and pointed at Kasumi. The logic behind the choice?
"Sis, you've already spent time with him! You know how to get rid of him! And plus," Akane looked at the half-girl with a hint of uncertainty, "she's only a boy half the time."
Kasumi knew she was cornered, knew that this would happen ever since she'd been told the truth. So she decided to pull her trump card. "But, Mr. Saotome-"
"SENSEI!!!!"
"Sensei, I really don't like Ranma like that. We're just friends!"
That was followed by a nervous chuckle from Ranma. 'Thank the kami it's only that.' Genma did not seem amused by this claim, nor did he entirely believe it.
Akane's anger was beginning to return to earlier levels from this defense of the deviant. "Wait- you're friends with that pervert?"
Her sister nodded, muttering, "Well, he was nicer to me than Panda-san..."
Nabiki sensed that the tide had turned, and spoke up. "Actually, I think that Akane should marry Ranma."
Kasumi's face fell to the floor. Genma raised one of his eyebrows, interested in this new development. Soun ducked for cover. Akane’s focus shifted from one sister to the other.
Ranma scoffed at the statement, then looked at Akane. "Pul-eeze. That tomboy? Just look at her! She's way too violent, and plus," she took the girliest pose she could think of, "I'm better built to boot."
Kasumi had to restrain her younger sister from beating Ranma into a bloody pulp with her mallet. She struggled with her restraints, shouting, "Nabiki, I thought you were on my side here!"
"Well, it's like you said, she's only a guy half the time."
Ranma could feel his ego getting stabbed in the back.
"Besides, you and I both know that you've got issues with the opposite sex..." She continued with a series of questionable and almost certainly obscene finger gestures that got a howl of disgust from Akane and a look of bewilderment from both Kasumi and Ranma.
"Damn it Sis, I am not a lesbian!!!"
"Then you should be happy that you're marrying him."
"But-"
Genma stepped between the two siblings, grabbed all four of the children, and shouted to the room the following announcement. "That's it! Since none of you pansies are smart enough to make a quick decision, I'll do it for you: Ranma is now engaged to Akane and Kasumi!"
Kasumi's eyes bulged slightly. "Oh, my."
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A couple of blocks away, in a large mansion, a crazed black haired kendo master was glancing obsessively at a picture of a certain Tendo. (Here we go...)
"Ah, my dear flower," sighed Kuno, "I shall date you!"
Just then, he shuddered uncontrollably. "I sense... a disturbance in the Force..."
Unseen to the deranged student, the family butler entered the room. Not really a major character in this story, he merely looked like your average, boring British butler. How's that for a lazy description?
"SOMEONE HAS SET THEIR SIGHTS ON MY AKANE!!!" He took out his kendo stick, waving it in the air. "I will destroy the infidel, and-"
Just then, a dart hit Kuno in the neck. His hands grabbed at the site where the projectile had landed, and he collapsed to the ground.
The butler put away his portable blow dart launcher, speaking to his master's sleeping body. "Sir, you know the rules! You start shouting about revenge and black magic in the house and I have to use the medicine!"
He walked back to the kitchen, adding, "I don't even want to know how you came up with that bull excuse about another suitor for Ms. Tendo, she's already got every boy in school after her."
As he prepared to continue reading his copy of the new Harry Potter book (so he could create T-shirts to spoil the ending for others), he muttered, "It's bad enough that Ms. Kodachi is recovering from her brain surgery, but you, Mr. Kuno, are the worst!"
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Ranma couldn't get to sleep that night. He wasn't worried about the engagement- no, he was worried about something else. Tomorrow was his first day of school, and there was bad blood between him and the institution.
To make a long story short, Ranma and school were like oil and water, peanut butter and ladies, pirates and ninjas. They'd never been on good terms, and never would. His only reprieve was that tomorrow was also Friday, so he'd only have to do it once this week.
Kasumi, who was sleeping in her own room for the first time in years, was slightly miffed at the prospect of being muscled back into school. She was older than Nabiki and Akane, yet she'd been told by the crazed principal of the school (who had kept eating pineapples throughout their meeting) that, despite her perfect score on the placement test, she would be placed in Ranma and Akane's class.
As her eyes finally began to close, her thoughts turned to the events that'd occurred during their brief stay at the Amazon community. Somehow, she had a funny feeling that she hadn't seen the last of the purple-haired fighter...
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When she woke up the next day, Kasumi looked around, finding that her old room had subtly changed while she had been gone. She’d noticed it last night, but it had become more obvious since then. Especially the books in her old book case.
‘I don’t remember reading THAT many cooking books...’
After walking down the stairs, Kasumi tried her hand at cooking for the family. It wasn’t that much different than how it had been while she was away. She did the cooking while everyone else did their own thing.
Kasumi walked to class with Ranma, Nabiki, and Akane, each of them wearing their school uniforms, her nose still in the book that the Tour Guide had given her. Her sister and friend, however-
"Sheesh, how many times do I have to tell ya? I wasn't trying to take a peek at anything!"
"Ranma no baka!!!" She swung her mallet at the boy, who dodged her assault this time.
This continued for some time. Kasumi had nearly completed the third chapter of her first book (Words That'll Save Your Life While Being a Tourist) when the trio finally reached the gates of Furikan High. There was a large rumbling sound, like an earthquake, or Ranma's stomach. Akane sighed, and then cracked her knuckles.
The front doors of the school burst open, and it appeared as if every male (and a few females) in the school rushed out to greet the violent sixteen-year old.
The ensuing fight between the student body and Akane was like a fight from a Quentin Tarantino movie- fast, bloody, and stylish.
In the span of five to seven minutes, every challenger was lying on the ground, beaten senselessly by the youngest Tendo and her bento.
There was a clapping noise echoing from the shadows, and a black-haired teen stepped forth from it, wearing robes and sandals of some kind. There was a sharp piece of wood by his side, and his hands continued clapping. He would actually be somewhat attractive if he wasn’t crazy. "Good morning, my dark goddess of love. Have you finally decided to date Tatewaki Kuno... THE BLUE THUNDER?!!?"
There was a loud crash of blue lighting that, initially, seemed to come from nowhere. But a second glance at the sky revealed that there was a storm brewing.
"In your dreams, Kuno."
Ranma turned away from the sight of the two staring each other down to talk to Nabiki. "Does this happen every day?"
"Yea. It all started with that guy. He made this outrageous claim that anyone who wanted to date her," pointing to her bento-wielding sister, "would have to beat her in combat. So, naturally, with Akane suddenly off-limits-"
Ranma finished Nabiki's statement. "-she became the hottest item on the market."
Nabiki's eyebrows arched at the martial artist’s wisdom. "Well, yes. He thinks that if he can beat Akane in a fight, then she'll finally 'see the error of her ways' and go out with him."
Ranma turned his attention back to the kendoman. "Screw this. That guy's friggin crazy." He ran over to where the two were circling.
Nabiki then looked at her older sister. Kasumi looked back, shrugged, and then followed Ranma, hoping that she could stop Ranma from performing one of his usual acts of stupidity.
Before Kuno could begin, Ranma had gotten in between him and his prey. "Okay buddy, she may be as violent as all hell, but that's really no way to treat her."
"THAT'S UPPERCLASSMAN TO YOU, UNGRATEFUL PUP!!!" His sword jerked unnervingly, as if it had a mind of its own.
Akane stared angrily at the veiled threat. "Ranma! What are you-"
Before she could finished, Kasumi butted in. "Excuse my friend, but he has a point. Please stop threatening her."
Ranma looked at his old friend. "Kasumi-"
Kuno's eye turned from Ranma to Kasumi. "Well, hello there, my beauteous Kasumi. How you doin'?" He had tried doing an impression of something he saw on the boob tube, but it came off as creepy instead of charming.
Akane's anger vein was back. "YOU do way too much thinking with your little head! You're hitting on my sister!"
She prepared to slug him, but Ranma started in on him first, throwing his punches at a blinding speed. Kuno had attempted to hit the speedy pigtailed boy, but didn't even finish trying to slash the air before he fell to the ground, his chest covered with early signs of heavy bruising.
Ranma's hands went to his side as thunder rang out through the sky. There was a bruise where Tatewaki had tried to hit him. 'He got lucky.' Kasumi looked up as well. "Ranma, I think it's about to rain."
The school bell also began to ring as Akane turned her attention to her watch. "Kasumi, I think we're late for class."
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They made it inside right as the rain began to fall, but they failed at sneaking into the classroom. He made Ranma and Kasumi introduce themselves to the class, and that's when things got weird- well, weirder than usual.
Ranma was no stranger to attention from others- this time, the guys in the class had the look of envy in their eyes, probably as they realized that the new guy was buff, uber buff. One guy in the back thought flabbergasted, 'Does the new kid have a permit for those guns?'
Kasumi could feel the eyes boring in on her as she sat in her chair, which was next to Ranma and Akane. What made her uncomfortable was that all of the eyes that were staring at her belonged to girls, each pair slightly glazed over with a hint of something that she couldn't place.
Akane was just pissed at the fact that every girl in the class was leering at her eldest sister. 'My God, since when were all my friends lesbians?'
The teacher sighed and began the day's lesson. "Today, we will learn about the concept of Hammerspace, and why angry anime females are able to pull out oversized hammers in absurdly comedic situations..."
One floor directly up from where the three of them were sitting, Kuno was staring at the blackboard, not really caring about the general chatter. "I can't believe that ingrate Saotome managed to defeat me! I must've let my guard down."
He turned around to speak with the middle Tendo sister, Nabiki. "Nabiki, what do you know about that... boy and your sisters?"
She gave him a smirk that would've given smarter men chills. "Well, you know the rules, Kuno baby..."
He put two thousand yen on the table. "Here. Now tell me about the miscreant."
She counted the money before stuffing it into a secret spot. "Ranma's a bit arrogant, but he seems to be an alright guy." That got Kuno's attention, and Nabiki saw the birth of a very long, very lucrative business venture.
"He's also engaged to Akane."
The upperclassman froze. "I'm sorry, I'm not sure that I caught that right. I think you just said that he was being set aflame."
"No, I said that he's engaged to be married to Akane."
That's what he thought he heard, and the effect was immediate. "SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!??!?!?!"
All of the people in the class stopped in their tracks, the teacher not moving his piece of chalk in fear of making something explode.
"Yea, and he's living with her at her place."
Kuno's face could now be mistaken for a dodgeball for all the blood that had gone to his face. "THAT FIEND!!!"
'One more for good measure...' "And he's also engaged to my other sister, Kasumi."
Kuno's fist, meet Kuno's desk. The latter of which promptly shattered from the force of said fist. "SAOTOME!!!!!"
One floor below, the collective class looked at the ceiling in a combination of amazement (from Ranma and Kasumi), anger (from Akane), and boredom (from everyone else).
Yuka, the girl in the second row, spoke up first. "What's he upset about this time?"
THUD. There was a large commotion on the ceiling, followed by several more following it. One of the ceiling tiles became dislodged, and fell to the floor.
Finally, the ceiling collapsed, and one severely judgment-impaired upperclassman emerged from the debris. Ranma was staring at the demented Kuno, asking rhetorically, "Am I crazy, or did you just punch your way through the ceiling?"
"SAOTOME! HOW DARE YOU TAKE THE FEISTY GODDESS AKANE AND THE SILENT BEAUTY KASUMI AS YOUR WIVES!!!!"
There was a massive amount of scraping; the desks surrounding the three housemates had backed away from them.
Ranma, Kasumi, and Akane all frantically looked at each other, and tried to give the simplified version of the engagement- which is hard to do when two other people are trying to do at the same time.
"He's just a friend-"
"That uncute-"
"That pervert-"
"-only a good friend-"
"-violent psycho-"
"-grrrr...RANMA NO BAKA!" WHACK! Her wooden mallet hit the floor.
"Ya missed, you little-" CONG!!! She used the "Steel Hammer of +20 Baka Slaying" this time.
Akane, Kasumi, and Kuno stared each other down in what can best be described as a Mexican standoff- nobody would win, everybody would burn.
"Kuno-san, just back off." Ranma wasn't sure if he was still delirious from Akane’s hammer- he thought he just heard Kasumi tell someone off... and she wasn't being nice about it.
"Ah, my fair lady, why do you resist the most virtuous of all men?" He took Kasumi's hand, kneeled in front of her, and kissed it. A very chivalrous thing to do... but this ain't Medieval Europe.
This had to have been the angriest that Ranma had ever seen Kasumi, angrier than she had been during any of their sparring matches or fights. Her eyes lit up in furious anger, her teeth clenched tightly, and her muscles tightened.
She pulled the offending hand, which brought the oblivious Kuno to his feet. With that, she flung said hand off her person with enough force to throw the man out of the window- which is exactly what happened.
It had all happened so fast, that Ranma didn't have time to get out of the way, and collided with this madman on his way out. They crashed through the window, and began to fall two stories into the ground.
Fortunately, Ranma managed to grab onto a rusty flag pole nearby, still two stories up.
After the window shattered from Kasumi's outburst, she exhaled loudly, trying to put the anger into a little box, and store it in a big room filled with anger cubes, ala Raiders of the Lost Ark. 'I don't think I've ever been that... forceful.’
The girls all moved so they could get a good look at Kasumi, while all the boys flocked to the window.
It seemed that beating off Kuno's advances was enough to turn many girls from 'interested' to 'OMFG-SHE’S-HAWT'. They congratulated her, offering many things, from chocolates to lunch boxes to some more, well, racy things. Kasumi blushed at all the attention- usually it was Ranma who was in the spotlight, after a particularly flashy battle, or even Genma, after that time he had stolen seventeen loaves of bread and repeatedly attempted to get away from the angry mobs.
The boys stared at Kuno, who had a death grip of Ranma, who in turn, had a tight grip on the flag pole. There was a crack, and the pole moved slightly- the mast would not be able to support their weight for long.
"You know, I just thought of something."
Several of the boys turned their heads to look at the teacher. "That Ranma kid has two fiancés, and I'm pretty sure that none of you have girlfriends."
There was a brief (but awkward) silence, before a collective yell emanated from the room. "DAMN YOU, SAOTOME!!!"
The flagpole broke from the vibrations given off by the shout. Ranma looked down, and saw good and bad news.
Kasumi made her way to the window, and saw it as well.
Good news: Ranma wouldn't be hitting solid concrete when he hit the ground.
Bad news: Ranma would instead, be hitting the pool. And that pool was going to be very cold. Which would set off...well...you get the idea.
'Oh, crud. I'm gonna turn into a girl in front of this bozo?'
'Oh, my. I let my emotions get the better of me for one second, and I end up spoiling Ranma's secret.'
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*opens closet door, lets announcer out*
Next time on Ranma 1/2:
Ranma confronts Kuno! Will Kuno pay attention, or will his eyes wander?
Another challenger steps forward! Who is this woman, why is she so familiar, and why on earth can't she speak Japanese very well?
*And for that matter, why on God's green earth is Kasumi such a hawt little-*
SMACK!!!
All this and more, in the next episode of Ranma 1/2!!
*shoves announcer back in closet*
Wait, aren't you going to give me some food this time?
*opens closet door, throws a large gorgonzola at the announcer, and recloses closet door*
*cue butchered theme song*
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