Episode 1: The Master Plan Is Formed!
Nerima hadn't always been known as 'The Land of the Crazy'. There was a time before all that, about ten years before, to be exact. The Tendo Dojo also applied to this statement- the repair bills didn't always make contractors faint, and insurance companies didn't shudder when they saw the district's name.
And it was ten years ago that two men sat in this dojo, drinking some fresh tea. One man, Mr. Genma Saotome, was balding, but covered it up nicely with a bandana. The other man, Mr. Soun Tendo, looked to be in mourning, with ruffled black hair that appeared to not have been cut in months. Anyway, the two men appeared to be in deep discussion.
"...so it's agreed? This is how we'll unite the schools?"
Genma nodded, and then began to adjust his glasses. "I got him away from that wife of mine years ago, so that's the plan. Train him to become A MAN AMONG MEN!!!" Genma stood up suddenly, thrusting his right hand into the air, as if to highlight that point.
Tendo sweatdropped. "If we're going to make this happen, old friend, then we need to make sure that at least one of my daughters can fall for your son."
Just then, a young nine-year old girl walked into the room, carrying a teapot. "Father, did you like the tea?"
"Yes, Kasumi, you've improved greatly from last time. You'll make a perfect wife someday."
That statement of fact got Genma's attention.
"Thank you, father. I'll be training if you need me."
That one got Genma's heart pounding. "She's been training in the art?"
Soun waved his hand dismissively. "Yes, ever since her mother died." He started bawling like either an idiot or a truly devoted husband, Saotome couldn't be sure which.
"Well then, Soun... why doesn't she come with me?"
Soun froze, not knowing what to say.
"Like you said, if our plan to join the two schools is to work, then at least one of your daughters will need to at least like my boy. She would be perfect! She's even somewhat trained in the Art already- I train her alongside Ranma, and our combined schools WILL BE INVINCIBLE!!!" The last part was delivered so cheesy, so over the top, that it was almost like watching an episode of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers instead of Ranma 1/2.
Genma's old friend got a sick feeling in his stomach. "Fine... just bring her back in one piece, Saotome."
Genma got up, preparing to leave the room. "I'll start packing. Soun, I guarantee you that nothing will go wrong."
Kasumi returned after about a minute. "You called me, father?"
'I'm going to hate myself for this.'
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And that was how Kasumi, at the age of 9, became a sort of foster child to Genma Saotome. For those of you who've never met the man, here are the three things you should do in case you ever see him-
-Call the police...
-Tell him to go away...
-See numbers 1 and 2!
The man was old-fashioned, yet he had almost no real sense of honor, but he wasn’t evil (strange combination, yet true). He was also an excellent martial artist, not including the fact that he was a great coward. So we've established that Genma Saotome was a great coward, a great martial artist, and probably a bad choice for a father. Despite that last statement, however, this was the guy who was now responsible for training his own son, Ranma, age 6, as well as Kasumi Tendo, age 9, in the almost certainly misplaced hope that the two would grow up and fall in love. So in short, because of two men's delusions, Ranma and Kasumi are about to get screwed over BIG time.
Genma's master plan would eventually backfire miserably. But before I tell you that story, let's go back to the Tendo dojo, about one year later...
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The rain was falling hard the morning that a Mr. Kuonji passed on.
The knocking at the door just wouldn't stop, and Soun was too busy trying to get piss drunk to notice. After about seven attempts to notify the residents of the house, a seven-year old Akane Tendo opened the door to find a man in a trenchcoat and an old-fashioned fedora, the kind you would find in The Maltese Falcon, or Chinatown. He was holding a crying little girl, who had been dragging an oversized spatula.
"Morning, little one. Koji Fando." He held out his hand, expecting the girl to take it. Akane's body shook involuntarily, but she did not accept his offer. He awkwardly retracted the hand, adding, "Don't worry, I'm one of the good guys. Is your father in the house?"
Little Akane ran upstairs, not answering his question. The man and the girl walked inside, trying to dry off from the rain. It had been half an hour since he first knocked on the door, and ten minutes since the littlest Tendo ran upstairs. 'Mr. Trenchcoat', as the spatula girl called him, handed the Kuonji girl something, and walked out the door.
By the time she returned with her father, who was holding a bottle of half-empty sake, Mr. Fando was gone. The girl just stood there, wiping the tears from her face with her left hand, holding an envelope in her right, her spatula thrown onto the floor. When Soun finally realized who this was at his doorstep, only one thought entered his mind.
'This won't end well.'
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Tendo finally got the girl to stop crying, and had her sleep in Kasumi's old bed for the night. He sat down at the very table where he had made that deal with Genma all those years ago. He was about to drink the rest of the bottle down, but stopped. The envelope that little Ukyo Kuonji had given him was still there. Soun finally opened the envelope to find a letter from another old friend of his. It appeared to be an excerpt from his will.
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Soun,
If you're reading this now, then I fear that my operation did not go as well as we'd have hoped.
Words can never express the gratitude that my wife (bless her soul) and myself feel toward your agreement to be our child's godfather. However, I am afraid that I must now ask you an even greater favor.
Take care of Ukyo. As the man that brought her into this world and raised her, I can only hope that you can live up to our promise.
Please, old friend. I fear that I have nowhere else to turn.
Take care,
Kuonji
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Memories of the day they met began to flood his mind. Fighting him and his spatula at the edge of that cliff, saving his life- it had been how many years now? Eight? Nine? A man that Soun had once considered a rival, who had since become a good friend, was dead.
Soun had a dilemma on his hands. He had a responsibility as a father, a godfather, and a friend to take in Kunoji's only child. On the other hand, he already had three children himself. But one of those children, Kasumi, was being taken care of by Genma. Plus, his judgment was starting to become clouded from all that sake. Trying to drink four bottles in the span of ten minutes will do that.
After much thought (in Margarita-ville, that would be about five seconds), he decided to look after his sevenyear old godchild, Ukyo Kuonji. The girl was busy watching his youngest, Akane, try to cook.
"Why are you putting eggshells in the omelet?"
"For texture."
Ukyo's face turned a putrid shade of green, before chiming in. "That's disgusting!" Unseen to either of them, Mr. Tendo was frantically trying to down more sake for some reason.
Akane looked at her as if to say, 'WTF, mate?' "Like you can do better? I've been doing this for months."
That was one of the many, many reasons why Soun was still drinking.
Ukyo decided to take up the unspoken challenge. When the omelets were finished, Akane was frantically adding paprika and powdered chili onto what appeared to be crusty, black pancakes. Ukyo, meanwhile, used her spatula to flip her yellowish-orange eggs onto a paper plate.
"Breakfast!" The two had cried that out in unison.
Soun slumped into a sitting position at the table, uneager to eat whatever godforsaken hell-spawn Akane had whipped up today.
Nabiki, age 8, sat at her father's left, noticing that his sake bottle, which had taken its customary place at his right hand, was nearly empty. She made a note to herself to hire that homeless guy to buy sake for her again.
Akane sat at her father's right, placing the food on the table. The rice balls looked disproportionate and had very little seaweed wrappings, and the green tea would taste more hot salt water.
Ukyo sat across from her adopted 'father'- it sounded too weird calling him that, so she decided to just call him 'Mr. Tendo.' She placed her version of the omelet on the table, and there was a simultaneous gasp from Mr. Tendo and Nabiki.
"Akane? Do my eyes deceive me? He held the plate with the yellow-orange omelet in the air. "Could you be that you finally made-"
"Dad, my omelet is right next to that."
He came down from his high horse and noticed that Akane was frowning, Nabiki looked a little confused, and Ukyo had a hint of a smile on her face. Soun then took the time to carefully observe what his daughter had been pointing at.
"Akane, that omelet..." He had to find some feature of this poisonous tripe that he could point out and not be called the bad guy. "...It has a beak and feathers in it."
Which was true, oddly enough. Upon further inspection, it was discovered that a fully developed chicken beak was directly in the center of the top of the stack, while several burnt feathers could be found in the lower regions.
"Nabiki, did you-"
The middle Tendo child pointed at Ukyo, saying, "I think she did it, whoever she is."
Soun rejoiced, standing up instantly. "FINALLY! A GOOD COOK!" He was still quite tipsy, so he didn't stay standing for very long however: he quickly tripped over his own feet, and fell face first into the floor.
Akane looked at the new girl with a hint of jealousy. "Thanks a lot," she remarked sarcastically.
Ukyo slowly extended her hand, much to Akane's confusion. "My name's Ukyo. I'm sorry for embarrassing you like that."
She wasn't quite sure what to do- the last guy who'd embarrassed her received a complimentary punch-in-the-face. And although this one was dressed and acted like a guy for some reason, she'd give her the benefit of the doubt. She shook hands and replied, "My name is Akane. It's nice to meet you."
Dinner that night was the best the family had had in two months- and that was including the time that they had gone for takeout. Despite her humiliation that day, Akane and Ukyo became good friends, as if she was a member of the family. She even tried to teach Akane to cook (and failed miserably, for some reason).
From that day forward, Ukyo Kuonji essentially became the family cook.
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Now, let's fast forward nine more years, to a land known as China, primarily because nothing really important (as far as you know) happened during that span of time. Specifically to the forbidden training ground known as Jusenkyo, where the legendary (and covered by every Ranma fanfic, as required by Internet law) 'Cursed Spring' incident was now occurring.
A redhead broke the surface of one of the many springs, screaming, "What the hell was that for, Oyaji?!?"
Immediately after, she clasped her hands over her mouth, looked down, and found breasts. His hair, red instead of its usual black.
"Oh, that very bad. You fall into Spring of Drowned Girl. Very tragic story..."
He didn't want listen to some tale of a drowned hussy; he wanted to scream. He, Ranma Saotome, "a man among men" according to his deadbeat father and himself, was now a wimpy little woman. Kasumi ran over to the spring, not realizing that her friend had been cursed until about three feet away. She looked at Ranma-chan, and simply remarked, "Oh, my."
And then she fainted. Genma, who was now a panda thanks to the Spring of Drowned Panda, roared into her ear, resuscitating her.
"Mr. Saotome-"
Genma the panda responded by holding up a sign that translated into, (Sensei! Sensei!)
"Sensei, I don't believe it was necessary to awaken me like that."
(I do it to Ranma all the time, because he is my student. You travel with us, then should expect the same treatment, girl.)
Ranma-chan then proceeded to deliver a flying kick into his father's jaw. "You damn idiot! I was prepared to sacrifice my life for the art, but not my manhood!"
(Um...)
"Sensei, please tell me that you can read Chinese."
(Er...)
"And for the love of the kami, tell me that you've got a way to fix me back into a boy!"
(Look! A distraction!)
The two turned around to find a sign that read, (Suckers!)
The boy-turned-girl and Kasumi prepared to pursue, when the Tour Guide stopped them. "You change back with hot water. Cold water bring back curse."
With that, Ranma and Kasumi ran after the panda, dragging the Guide with them.
Four hours later, they had caught up with him, beaten him for his misdeeds, and proceeded to get lost in the jungle.
(I don't know what's worse- that I thought that would work, or that it almost did.)
"Sensei, wouldn't it be a smart idea to ask the Tour Guide for directions?"
(Buzz off, girl! What do you know?)
That remark was followed by a sucker punch that was so powerful, that Genma fell to the ground, courtesy of Kasumi. It surprised everyone, especially Kasumi- primarily because the oldest of the three Tendos preferred to talk than to fight.
Her usual happy look that had been on her face was gone for the time being, replaced with that 'angry' vein that appeared whenever an anime character got PO'ed. "Mr. Saotome-"
(Sensei!), a sign rose up from the ground.
"I understand that you think that women are weak, but I do not understand why you think the same of me, even when I have proven otherwise!"
Lightning bolts flew between the eyes of the panda and the now nineteen-year old.
Ranma had thought that he'd gotten it rough with his dad- at least he was a boy. Kasumi wasn't, and therefore subject to Genma's ever pervasive prejudices.
Ranma had been curious as to where Kasumi had come from, but the only answer Genma told him was, "a friend." He had been even more curious who this Kasumi was, to which his dad replied, "This is Kasumi. She'll be traveling with us for a while.
'Surprised me that Oyaji even had friends.'
In truth, he had been even more surprised by the fact that his new friend was a girl.
The Tour Guide stopped, which caused a slight commotion in the form of Ranma. "Why the hell are we stopping?"
"We now at Joketsuzoku. Village of Amazons. Best not to anger."
As the Guide would explain, the Amazons were sort of like the opposite of the rest of the world. While the world at large was under the belief that men were supreme in most matters (a viewpoint which was quickly being abandoned in favor of some semblance of gender equality), the Amazons had always believed, and still did, that women were the better half of humanity.
"So," he pointed at Genma and Ranma-chan, "if you go be man again, no anger Amazons. They deliver big beatings."
Kasumi then noticed two books that had been stuffed into the Tour Guide's pocket.
The Guide must have noticed her curiosity, because he elaborated on its subject. "These Chinese-to-Japanese books." He pointed to his head. "Trying to know better Japanese."
He handed the Tendo girl a book that had been stuffed in that pocket, 'How to Learn Chinese in Two Months'. The other book read, 'From Chinese to Japanese and Back: How to Speak the Foreign Tongue.'
"You look like you like reading. You want?"
Kasumi smiled and took the books. "Thank you. Now where did those two go?"
Her question quickly got answered by the undeniable smell of various exotic foods, followed by a slew of chewing noises that could only belong to the Saotome clan.
She found Genma and Ranma, still in their cursed forms, chowing down on what could only be described as a feast. Hams, rice, soy sauce, a bit of sake, the works.
Genma gestured for his second student to come over, which she did. She sat just to the left of the panda, grabbing a leg of pork and devouring it. Genma then remembered that she had learned more than just martial arts under him, but also the patented 'Saotome-Black-Hole-For-A-Stomach' style of eating.
That was true: Kasumi had learned how to eat anything and everything, at her 'sensei's' urging. That, as well as the fact that any table that the Saotome clan shared was a war zone for food, and that no morsel was safe from their clutches, even if it had already been on your plate.
So she finished her leg, grabbed for some chicken wings, and proceeded to divide her attention between her food and one of her new books.
Much to Ranma's surprise (when she looked up from her food), there was a fight going on between two women a few meters in front of them, doing so on top of a wooden beam. One had short brown hair, while the other had long purple hair. They both wielded a bonbori, but the purple haired one appeared to be winning quite easily.
By now all three of the outsiders had taken notice of this struggle, the men noting that any of the three of them could take the two combatants on at the same time and win. Instead of this, Kasumi noticed that the fight seemed to be less about slaughtering one another and more about winning a prize of some kind.
She and Ranma also noticed that there was a look or gleam of some kind in the purple haired combatant's eyes that denoted a need to prove herself worthy of something. Whatever it was, it quickly vanished after a brief age.
About ten seconds after both Saotomes and the Tendo came to their respective conclusions; the brown-haired girl was knocked off of the beam, falling into a pit of mud. The audience cheered, and (to the surprise of Genma and his students) they seemed to be almost entirely comprised of women.
An old woman about half the winner's height approached her and proclaimed something in Mandarin to the crowd. All Kasumi could make out from her new book was the words 'tournament' and 'champion'. Genma and Ranma didn't understand the words, but they could figure out what was generally going on.
The audience began dispersing, moving toward the food that the three were snacking on, stopping halfway in utter shock. The winning girl came about five seconds later, also stopping, but in anger rather than shock. She had fought long and hard for the title of 'Village Champion', and these three outsiders were eating the prize feast! It had taken weeks to gather all that food, and those three idiots had eaten all of it!
'Only in town for five minutes and we're already in trouble,' Ranma sighed. 'Not a record, but pretty close.'
The 'champion' approached the table pointing the bonbori she used in the tournament at the panda. Her Japanese was very broken, much like the Tour Guide's, if not worse. Regardless, it was enough to get her point across.
"You- redhead." She pointed at Ranma. "You panda eat food. Now he be our food."
That definitely got the senior Saotome's survival instinct in gear. The Tour Guide decided to re-inform the Japanese martial artists of their plight.
"This not good. You offend Amazons. Now they eat panda-san for retribution."
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Genma.SurvivalInstinct- engaged. Options are:
A. Engage opponent and pray for victory.
B. Run like there's no tomorrow.
C. See B.
B.
You have chosen: Option B. Have a nice day!!! (flees)
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Kasumi attempted to try to talk the Amazon out of it, but her Chinese was as broken as a Ford Pinto, mostly because she was frantically flipping through the Japanese-to-Chinese section of her other book. "We not mean offense. We-"
The man-gone-panda grabbed his son as well as what he had hoped would be his future daughter-in-law, and made a beeline for what he hoped was the nearest way to Japan. The Tour Guide stared at the large trail of dust they had made, apologized to the tribe for his client's wrongdoings, and ran after them.
As the four fled, the old woman who had spoken to the crowd earlier looked at the village champion. -"Xian Pu..."-
-"Yes, Village Elder?"-
Cologne simply looked at the route the trespassers took outta Dodge. -"You know that you're supposed to chase them to the ends of the earth, right?"-
Xian Pu simply looked at her great-grandmother. -"But I didn't give the Kiss of Death!"-
-"But you are this year's martial arts champion! So it's your responsibility to avenge our tribe's honor."-
The Amazon looked at her, and began running after the offenders, who by now were probably half way to Japan.
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"Bye, Mr. Tendo!"
"We'll see you in a week or two, Ukyo!"
And with that, Ukyo Kuonji, Soun Tendo's adopted daughter, was off on a training trip to retrieve her first father's scroll detailing a unique style of martial arts.
After seeing his long-lost daughter depart, Soun decided to check his mail. Bill, bill, bill, construction fee, jury duty (burn it), jury duty, paint slip, chain letter, REAL letter, ch-
Wait, actual mail?
He opened the envelope to find a letter from Genma. How long had it been? Nine, ten years? What he read soon filled his heart with joy.
"He's finally coming back." He ran into the house, raving like a lunatic. "Genma's finally returning!"
He ran past where Nabiki was sitting, reading a book (1001 Ways to Be a Filthy Rich Money-Maker, by Bill Gates, with an intro about how he's richer than God). As the Tendo patriarch frantically tried to spiffy up his home, he continued to read the letter, and shouted, "THANK GOD! HIS SON AND KASUMI ARE COMING AS WELL!!!"
That last detail got her attention. She casually walked over to the dojo, opened the door to find Akane training a young twelve year old.
"Hey, Sis! Are you done sparring with Hinako?"
Akane was busy blocking the little girl's punches when she responded. "Almost. What- umph" -she had just taken an especially hard one just then- "is so darn important? Eh? Some stupid boy?"
"Yes, but it's bigger than that! Dad says that Kasumi's finally coming home!"
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(cue tasteless announcer)
Next time, on Ranma 1/2:
Kasumi finally returns home- but why is there a panda with her?
The engagement commences... without Ukyo?
And what's this? A challenger for the violent girl's hand? Is this guy crazy? (Side note: He is.)
(And how the fudge did Hinako manage to land a part in this fanfic? Does anyone even know who she is?)
All this and more, in the next episode of Ranma 1/2!!
(cue badly dubbed theme song)
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A Guide for the Japanese Challenged
Oyaji- The Japanese have both formal and informal versions of most words, used depending on the situation. This one is the latter version of 'father'. Adding the honorific suffix '-san' usually makes it more polite.
Sensei- Honorific suffix or title used for any type of teacher, usually of the educational of martial arts variety. If you've seen the Karate Kid, or any kung fu movie, then you already knew what this word meant.
Bonbori- This actually refers to an ancient Chinese melee weapon. Think of it like the Asian version of a mace, and you wouldn't be too far off.
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